A Guys Guide To Avoid Being A *Insert bad word*


How many times have you been told by a girl that guys are assholes/idiots/horrible/dicks/gits and so on? She may be your friend, your sister, your girlfriend (what did you do to piss her off? -_-), your colleague, whoever. But I bet you’ve been told so. Or at least you have been told by your friend that some girl said that to him. So, why? Why do girls think that guys are assholes/idiots/horrible/dicks/gits and so on? Lemme tell you why. It is because they are, they really are all that! Or at least they project themselves as all that. They are horrible, insensitive, incorrigible and totally immature! Mind you, I said guys, not men. Men may or may not be all that. And gentlemen are totally NOT all that (hey there, gentlemen of the blog world! I dont have a valentine! Just saying…).
So, I have put together for you ten pointers for how to avoid being a total insensitive train wreck and to impress your girl. Just enough to keep her urges to stab you with a blunt dagger at bay. Why? Because I am frankly sick of this stupid attitude of guys. I am probably too young for a gentleman to pay any attention to me, so boys, up your game, mate.

1. Listen to what a girl says. No, I do not mean just hearing her and nodding from time to time while fantasising about the unholy deeds you want to do to her. I mean, listen to what she says. Give your opinions about it. If no opinion is required, say something relevant to that topic so that she knows you are listening. If she is talking to you about sweaters for dogs, do not reply with, “shit man, I would love to see Natalie Portman in a rhinestone studded bikini, riding a horse!” No. Just no. If you do say that, do not blame anybody else for the shoe flying towards your face with vengeance.

2. Buy her flowers occasionally. Make sure she is not allergic to them, though.

3. Be a little chivalrous sometimes. Do the basics, hold the door for her, let her go through first. Dont insist on paying the bill all the time, dutch. Chivalry is not yet dead. Yes, we are all about equality now but I, personally, would like to feel a little cared about sometimes. I would like to know that a guy would still do these little things for me.

4. Don’t fart loudly when you are in public.

5. Manners. Chew with your mouths closed, please. Be kind. Do not make fun of her. Do not insult her. Do not make her cry. Do not laugh at her. Laughing with a girl and laughing at a girl, they are different. Figure out where the line is. Tell her she is beautiful. Be careful though, if she has been crying and is looking like a racoon, or is ill or something, tell her she “is” beautiful and not that she “looks” beautiful. Trust me, this little difference may save you a fresh lot of tears and a lot of screaming about how you are totally lying and how she is definitely not looking beautiful, etc. You may thank me later, boys.

6. The answer to “does this make me/my ass look fat?” is always no. ALWAYS. Dont try to be diplomatic and wriggle your way out of answering it. Believe me, you will have to pay for it.

7. Don’t cheat. Like seriously, how difficult is it for you guys to break up with someone before you hakuna somebody else’s tatas? If you are not into her anymore, man up and break up! Cheating is injurious to your health once she finds out. Besides, not cheating is so much easier. No complications, no lie juggling, no time juggling and no girl juggling! Dont play with somebody else’s emotions. Remember, somebody might actually be crazy enough to carry out her threat of cutting your appendages off.

8. “Who pissed in your breakfast?” “Are you PMSing?” “Is it that time of the month again?” and the likes of those questions are NEVER appropriate questions. EVER. Prepare to pay for a yearly supply of Ferero Rochers if you do ask them.

9. Be sweet to her. Tell her she looks beautiful when she does, tell her how you feel about her. Introduce her to your friends and be nice to her friends. Compliment her in front of her friends or yours. Let her know that you dont mind telling others that she is your girl. Let her know that you are not ashamed of her. I dont know what it is with you guys about expressing your “sweeter” emotions in front of your friends that makes your dick shrivel up and sob in a corner. It does not make you less of a dude. If you are so concerned about how a little emotion may mess with your masculinity, I suppose you should be more concerned about how weak your masculinity must be if it is threatened by such stupid issues.

10. The answer to “Do you think she is hot?” is almost ALWAYS no. Sometimes it may be “I dont know, I did not really notice.” And occasionally it can be “Hmm, but you’re hotter.” It can NEVER be “Yeah… She is kinda hot…” Because no matter how cool she seems with the answer, she has mentally prepared to use this incident in an argument three months henceforth.

Well, that’s all folks.

P.S. Does anybody want to be my valentine? I may be pathetic but I don’t bite! Promise!

I Have Not Been Kidnapped, Murdered or Sold To Slavery!


The random female is back! I mean me. Long time no see! Probably because I have not been posting much. Or at all. Because I am lazy and am about to come up with about three excuses for not posting, none of which actually hindered my posting. Anyway, so since I have been AWOL, for reasons not mentioned, a lot has happened. I managed to pass my first year of college, for one! I actually managed to pass! Even though I studied for like, one day, I kid you not. But whatever, I am officially in second year. Which is also about to get over in about 5 months or so.

My not-a-relationship with Mexican Chocolate (remember him?) is going pretty well… I have passed the oh-my-god-i-just-know-you-like-my-friend-and-are-going-to-ask-her-out-soon-thus-you-are-alienating-me phase. It was not a pretty phase. I made sure we fought too much and cried like a corporation water supply tank. But it is over now, it is sunny with chance of kisses in NotARelationshipVille. I am happy now. At peace with my ass-biting insecurities that are now dormant.

As  far as college is concerned, it is not getting over fast enough. My selection exams are going on and I am going to fail each of my 7 papers because, I HAVE A PUPPY!!!! You read that right, I have a puppy! She is a Labrador, a black Labrador, named Mickey. She is two and a half months old and pees like there is no tomorrow. She pees 17 times a day, shits 4 times a day. She eats plastic, remote controls, slippers, shoes, tables, walls, leaves, clothes, bags, hair that is preferably attached to one’s scalp, bed sheets, books, newspapers and occasionally proper food. Her effed up diet is the reason I will fail all my papers because every time I decide to sit with my books, she decides that she must eat something inedible and I have to chase her around the house, body slam her and forcibly extract the remnants of what used to be peace from her mouth. Life is hectic at the moment. But I love her! And she loves to chew my hair and hand and clothes and shoes, so I will take the liberty of concluding that she loves me too.

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So anyway, I recently went to Delhi, Agra, Mathura and just touched Rajasthan during Christmas. I shopped looooads, for myself and friends, I saw historical monuments like Taj Mahal, Agra fort, Fatehpur Sikri and I ate dal makhni twice every single day. I gained weight, knowledge and clothes. I met my school friend in Delhi. We shopped, we ate, we drank (just a little bit), tried flavored shots (revolutionary stuff, I tell you!) and clicked so many pictures! And then we came back before new year. For new year I went  to a house party with my best friend, had fun, danced a little, blah blah blah. So, HAPPY NEW YEAR! What, I am only 15 days late… 😀

So, what did you guys do on Christmas and new year? Any new year resolutions? I refuse to make any since I never ever ever follow through anyway. Post the 5th of jan, all my resolutions are forgotten! So tell me about yours! And also tell me if you followed through last year’s resolutions… 😀

See you in some days!

p.s. thank you annamfranco, for following my blog recently! The notification I got in my mail informing me of the follow is what made me want to post again! So thank you! ^_^

Byee!

College, Weight Gain and Pikachu’s Nutrition Chart


Hello, people of the blog world! Long time no see! Cuz I’ve been a lazy bitch. But oh well. I’m back!

So, I’m in college now. And its an all girls college. I swear to God, only India can come up with these things… So obviously, my college has no guys. NOT a SINGLE one. Girls everywhere. Look right, you see girls. Look left, you see girls. Its a guy’s heaven. But it gets a little tedious for the eye after a couple of days. The only guys I’ve seen on the premises are janitors. But anyway, I’ve made some friends. And they’re a nice bunch. A little different from the people I’m used to, but nice all the same. Very sweet. And very innocent. And, since I’ve spent my entire life in coeducational institutions and as a result my mind has taken up permanent residence in the gutters, I got the mother of all culture shocks. But I’m getting used to it now.

Now about the college. Its got a million and one rules. And mind numbingly boring teachers. For e.g. one of my psychology teachers has SUCH a monotonous voice that I swear I try to listen, I do, but I sort of get lost in my own world after a couple of minutes. Then there’s another one whose patent dialogue is, “stop talking, girls!” She gives the word annoying a whole new meaning. And she doesn’t teach squat. She looks into the book, reads a sentence out, looks up, says the exact same thing again. Not one word out of her own mind. When she does attempt to discuss something, she goes into tangents and wastes half the class.I swear I won’t be surprised if she starts discussing Pikachu’s nutrition chart. She’s just that weird. All my teachers are just about bleh. Plus I’m beginning to gain weight like a pig since there’s a McDonald’s and a KFC about 100 meters from my college.

Basically, my college life is depressing. Very much so. And I’m feeling very extremely sleepy now. So I’ll go sleep. And get back to the blog in a couple of days. Ciao!

How To Attract a Guy


I admit, I am not the best person to write a post like this. I mean, I seem to be a douche magnet. All the guys I have dated have turned out to be complete douchebags. And the ONE decent guy i manage to find happens to be WAY out of my league. So, for obvious reasons, I am the wrong girl to write a post with that title. Therefore I shall tell you what NOT to do if you are trying to catch Mr. Hottie’s attention. Basically, it’s everything I have ever done. Living the Murphy life. So here goes-

1. Let us assume that you haven’t got the guts to talk to that guy, for whatever reasons. But some random day, you wake up with this new found determination, fuelled by ingestion of unimaginable amount of alcohol or sleep deprivation, to talk to the guy, do NOT start your conversation by saying something like, “Hi, I’m so bored that I’m ready to carry out a full fledged conversation with a chair, so what’s up?” No. Don’t do that. While it may sound funny to you now, notice how you end up calling the guy a chair. And calling a guy a piece of furniture used to park your butt on is not a very effective way of attracting him. Speaking from personal experience. The guy never spoke to me again. For obvious reasons.
Moving on,

2. Now lets assume that you do manage to strike up a conversation that sounds a little intelligent, make sure that you do not end up staring at the guy with wonder and stars in your eyes and completely tune out. Because if he asks for your opinion about something and you just agree to it blindly, because you weren’t really paying attention to what he was saying so you have no clue about what he asked, you might just end up agreeing that buying his mother a green monkey with pink polka dots on it for her birthday is a brilliant idea. Not a good thing to happen. He will lose interest in you if he thinks that you have no interest in whatever he says.

3. Now lets assume that you both have managed to continue your oh-so-intelligent-and-interesting-conversation for about 15-20 minutes and have now decided to talk about music. If it so happens that he loves rock and metal and you love pop, steer away. STEER AWAY I tell you. Dangerous territory. Apparently, it is VERY important for the guys to know that the girl he is interested in has similar interest in music as him. So I’ve come to know recently. And God forbid that you ever say something negative about his favourite artist… He will verbally rape you. If he is the badass type that is. And majority of the girls go for the badass types.

4. Further assuming that you have managed to survive the conversation and have managed not to bore him thoroughly, you need to make sure that you don’t repel him unknowingly. Don’t act like a kid. Its annoying. Don’t go all pink princess on him either. He feel probably end up feeling nauseated. Don’t yell at him unnecessarily. Don’t get offended at every little thing he does. You were the one who was attracted to him, so accept him as he is.
And finally,

5. DO NOT go all forever and always on him. Never do that. Unless you are positive that he feels the same way. If the guy is sort of commitment phobic, he will sprint the other direction before you can say “kids”. So before you start deciding the color of your bedroom walls and middle names of your six children, make sure that he won’t vamoose at the thought of it.
p.s. I have never done this!! Talk kids I mean. This is something I heard about. So just mentioning it.

And there. 5 tips. Aren’t I the best? 😉

Why Prom Sucked a Little


In India, prom is not the kind of thing you have in any other country. Most of the schools don’t even have a prom. However, my school decided to have a prom. It was an amazing idea, but it would have been better if the school had actually googled it before they gave us the permission to have one. Maybe then it wouldn’t have scored a 8 in the Scale of Suckery.
Why did the Prom bomb? Here’s why-

1. The Dj sucked. Horrible bollywood songs were being played that one would tend to sing along to only if they had their stomach lined with hash brownies. Ok, not really. I’m just exaggerating. A bit. The english songs the Dj had the sense to play were stopped midway for reasons unknown to us. The music stopped altogether twice because of high levels of suckiness shown by the Dj. And to top it all, he wore a T-shirt that said, “Why Always Me?” And by the end of the night, we were all left pondering upon that very question.

2. The teachers’ eyes never left us for a single second. They were staring at us. All of us. And not just one or two teachers but an entire lot of 7-8 of them. I think. They just kept on staring at us, almost expecting some of us to start stripping on the dance floor. What was up with that? It felt so weird! The guys couldn’t even dance with the girls! And if they did, they had to make sure to have minimum contact with the girl. Which itself scored a 10 on the Scale of Suckery. Welcome to India, my dear foreign peeps.

3. Nobody was dancing. This was the direct result of the above mentioned point. Well, people were dancing, but they were dancing within same sex groups. Girls with girls, guys with guys. And I personally think that the teachers should have found that a little more disturbing than people dancing with the opposite sex. Don’t you think?

4. Dress code. You know how in proms in every other country, girls wear gowns or pretty sparkly dresses that look like they came out from a disney princesses’ wardrobe or wear something slightly or absolutely slutty? Yeah. In my school, we were only allowed to wear sleeveless. Nothing too short, n halters, no backless, no off-shoulders, no sweeheart necklines etc. Score on Scale of Suckery- 20 on 10.

5. No corsages and boutonnieres. Yup. You heard me. Nobody got the idea of it. Mostly people went stag to the prom, me included, but mine was a case of utmost stupidity (on my part). But even the ones with dates did not bother with corsages or boutonniers. Why? This is India. And it was not a typical prom. As you have already figured out by now.

Anyway, so that is why our prom bombed. But, it was still a lot of fun. It was just a get-together with a fancy name. But we all met, our entire batch, danced, clicked loads of photos and went back home. All in all,though it was crap, it was not a total waste of time. Atleast I got a new dress out of it!