Who The Fuck is Alice?


Random post!
This happened way back. Like 3-4 years back.

One day, my dad asked me if I had heard the song “Living Next Door to Alice” by Smokie or not. And I hadn’t so he got very excited about the fact that he knew a cool song that I hadn’t heard and so he told me that he would download it for me.
Next day, he came home from office with a pendrive, looking oh-so-happy with himself. He plugged the pendrive into the…well…pendrive hole thingy in the music player (yes, I’m aware of how wrong that sounds. But I don’t know what its called!) and called me and announced that he got me the song and asked me to sit and listen to it.
Only, instead of the normal version, he downloaded the one where they go “Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?”. And he hasn’t realized it. Till he played it right then. You should’ve seen his face when that part started playing. He was like, “ummm…..” and I was all, “uh-huh. So this song, huh dad?”
It was epic.

Note to the non-Indian peeps: In India, even words like “make out” is censored. And the f word is basically a word you are not supposed to be aware of. Well, at least until you are 18. And parents are really sort of…. Conservative. Sort of. Not all of them though. Not mine at least. But basically, you aren’t supposed to use the f word till you grow up. And to most Indian parents, your little baby NEVER grows up. So, yeah.
Okay bye!

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How To Attract a Guy


I admit, I am not the best person to write a post like this. I mean, I seem to be a douche magnet. All the guys I have dated have turned out to be complete douchebags. And the ONE decent guy i manage to find happens to be WAY out of my league. So, for obvious reasons, I am the wrong girl to write a post with that title. Therefore I shall tell you what NOT to do if you are trying to catch Mr. Hottie’s attention. Basically, it’s everything I have ever done. Living the Murphy life. So here goes-

1. Let us assume that you haven’t got the guts to talk to that guy, for whatever reasons. But some random day, you wake up with this new found determination, fuelled by ingestion of unimaginable amount of alcohol or sleep deprivation, to talk to the guy, do NOT start your conversation by saying something like, “Hi, I’m so bored that I’m ready to carry out a full fledged conversation with a chair, so what’s up?” No. Don’t do that. While it may sound funny to you now, notice how you end up calling the guy a chair. And calling a guy a piece of furniture used to park your butt on is not a very effective way of attracting him. Speaking from personal experience. The guy never spoke to me again. For obvious reasons.
Moving on,

2. Now lets assume that you do manage to strike up a conversation that sounds a little intelligent, make sure that you do not end up staring at the guy with wonder and stars in your eyes and completely tune out. Because if he asks for your opinion about something and you just agree to it blindly, because you weren’t really paying attention to what he was saying so you have no clue about what he asked, you might just end up agreeing that buying his mother a green monkey with pink polka dots on it for her birthday is a brilliant idea. Not a good thing to happen. He will lose interest in you if he thinks that you have no interest in whatever he says.

3. Now lets assume that you both have managed to continue your oh-so-intelligent-and-interesting-conversation for about 15-20 minutes and have now decided to talk about music. If it so happens that he loves rock and metal and you love pop, steer away. STEER AWAY I tell you. Dangerous territory. Apparently, it is VERY important for the guys to know that the girl he is interested in has similar interest in music as him. So I’ve come to know recently. And God forbid that you ever say something negative about his favourite artist… He will verbally rape you. If he is the badass type that is. And majority of the girls go for the badass types.

4. Further assuming that you have managed to survive the conversation and have managed not to bore him thoroughly, you need to make sure that you don’t repel him unknowingly. Don’t act like a kid. Its annoying. Don’t go all pink princess on him either. He feel probably end up feeling nauseated. Don’t yell at him unnecessarily. Don’t get offended at every little thing he does. You were the one who was attracted to him, so accept him as he is.
And finally,

5. DO NOT go all forever and always on him. Never do that. Unless you are positive that he feels the same way. If the guy is sort of commitment phobic, he will sprint the other direction before you can say “kids”. So before you start deciding the color of your bedroom walls and middle names of your six children, make sure that he won’t vamoose at the thought of it.
p.s. I have never done this!! Talk kids I mean. This is something I heard about. So just mentioning it.

And there. 5 tips. Aren’t I the best? 😉

Why Prom Sucked a Little


In India, prom is not the kind of thing you have in any other country. Most of the schools don’t even have a prom. However, my school decided to have a prom. It was an amazing idea, but it would have been better if the school had actually googled it before they gave us the permission to have one. Maybe then it wouldn’t have scored a 8 in the Scale of Suckery.
Why did the Prom bomb? Here’s why-

1. The Dj sucked. Horrible bollywood songs were being played that one would tend to sing along to only if they had their stomach lined with hash brownies. Ok, not really. I’m just exaggerating. A bit. The english songs the Dj had the sense to play were stopped midway for reasons unknown to us. The music stopped altogether twice because of high levels of suckiness shown by the Dj. And to top it all, he wore a T-shirt that said, “Why Always Me?” And by the end of the night, we were all left pondering upon that very question.

2. The teachers’ eyes never left us for a single second. They were staring at us. All of us. And not just one or two teachers but an entire lot of 7-8 of them. I think. They just kept on staring at us, almost expecting some of us to start stripping on the dance floor. What was up with that? It felt so weird! The guys couldn’t even dance with the girls! And if they did, they had to make sure to have minimum contact with the girl. Which itself scored a 10 on the Scale of Suckery. Welcome to India, my dear foreign peeps.

3. Nobody was dancing. This was the direct result of the above mentioned point. Well, people were dancing, but they were dancing within same sex groups. Girls with girls, guys with guys. And I personally think that the teachers should have found that a little more disturbing than people dancing with the opposite sex. Don’t you think?

4. Dress code. You know how in proms in every other country, girls wear gowns or pretty sparkly dresses that look like they came out from a disney princesses’ wardrobe or wear something slightly or absolutely slutty? Yeah. In my school, we were only allowed to wear sleeveless. Nothing too short, n halters, no backless, no off-shoulders, no sweeheart necklines etc. Score on Scale of Suckery- 20 on 10.

5. No corsages and boutonnieres. Yup. You heard me. Nobody got the idea of it. Mostly people went stag to the prom, me included, but mine was a case of utmost stupidity (on my part). But even the ones with dates did not bother with corsages or boutonniers. Why? This is India. And it was not a typical prom. As you have already figured out by now.

Anyway, so that is why our prom bombed. But, it was still a lot of fun. It was just a get-together with a fancy name. But we all met, our entire batch, danced, clicked loads of photos and went back home. All in all,though it was crap, it was not a total waste of time. Atleast I got a new dress out of it!